Foot and Mouth
Message from the Cumbrian Tourist Board

The Cumbrian Tourist Board, with the support of the Ministry for Agriculture, Farming and Fishing, would like to reassure the public that, despite the recent foot and mouth outbreak in Cumbria and its deleterious, carbonising effects on animal health, the wholesale fleecing and milking of outside visitors continues as normal. Visitors therefore remain welcome to visit “The English Lake District”(tm) and empty out their wallets, as most paid attractions remain open.

To assist in determining whether or not particular activities may still be safely pursued, the CTB has devised the following simple rule of thumb: > Will this activity involve forking out an extortionate amount of dosh for overpriced crap sold by a large gift shop, the climactic exhibit in a half-witted, vacuous visitor centre with breathtaking entrace fees and a huge car park next to a row of chip shops and tacky souvenir sellers? > > Examples:
Allowed activity: Stumbling between shite gift shops in Windermere, dressed in something that reveals entirely too much flesh for someone of your huge bulk, while stuffing one more ice cream too many in your slobbering cakehole and pausing to yell, “LEE! GERR’ERE! NOW!” at your mewling spawn, before queuing up for the overpriced chips that are slowly, mercifully choking your arteries with globs of glistening fat.
Prohibited activities: Dozing by a lake; walking up a hill; sunbathing; admiring the view from anywhere other than an official car park. > > Remember: the Lakes are open! In particular, foreign visitors with more money than sense, such as Americans, are warmly welcomed to flash the plastic.

Please note that due to the highly contagious, flesh-eating, deadly ravages of foot and mouth disease, all non-paying pursuits such as walking, paddling, sunbathing and admiring the scenery have regrettably been prohibited so that the National Park can concentrate on collecting parking fees and other core activities.

Would all visitors please also remember to drive slowly over the crumpled and dry disinfectant mats placed wishfully across major roads. It won’t do any good, but it will make your consciences feel better.