As part of its ongoing “war on terror”, allied forces last night carried out a bombing raid on Alton Towers, the Staffordshire theme park. Citing “the widespread use and propagation of terror as a means of furthering their aims”, NATO commanders authorised a three hour bombing mission designed to knock out key targets in the enemy zone.

“We have successfully disabled the Oblivion and Enterprise rides,” declared British defence spokesman Geoffrey “Geoff” Hoon. However, he was concerned that the Black Hole remained operational as, “it has always terrified me and my kids in particular.”

During the raid, bombs also fell on a nearby care home, a local church and most of Wolverhampton city centre, which was devastated. Hoon claimed that the damage was the result of “regrettable but inevitable targetting errors”, although he added that he was not particularly upset about Wolverhampton.