Barry Longthorne of Stotes Newingham, Norfolk, yesterday changed his name by deed poll to Fling Fling Fishee Fin and announced his forthcoming nuptials to a two year old halibut kept in a tank at his home. In a statement, Mr Fishee Fin said: “Punishing Microsoft for monopolistic practices by giving them an unbeatable monopoly over IT resources within the education system is an extremely bad idea,” thus proving that he is not completely off his fucking trolley.
A new world record was declared in Walsall yesterday, when Sarah Shawstone successfully managed to cycle around the town’s war memorial 1,379 times in four hours, despite appalling dizziness. Asked why she had wanted to achieve this feat, she said: “In light of Transport Secretary Stephen Byers’ decision to authorise Heathrow Terminal 5, thus once more putting narrow business interests above both local and global pressing environment concerns, it seemed only sensible.”
Neighbours on Eynsham Road in Greater Manchester are up in arms after the occupant of no. 16, Mr Darren Clenshaw, elected to replace every outside wall of his semi-detached former council house with double glazing. “It’s disgusting and stupid!” said one. “You can see him in the bathroom and everything!” “I like a bit of daylight,” said Mr Clenshaw, explaining his unconventional renovations. “Besides, it’s not like I’m some fat cat Railtrack shareholder investing in a fatally flawed company to cream off public funds and then expecting to be further compensated by the taxpayer when it inevitably goes tits-up, is it?”