Support for British backing of an American-led war against Iraq has increased dramatically in the last 24 hours. Latest surveys show 80% of Britons in favour, after Prime Minister Tony Blair revealed that weapons inspectors had found child pornography on the hard drive of Saddam Hussein’s PC. Simultaneously, the FBI revealed that a credit card belonging to “S. Hussein” appeared on a list retrieved from the Candyman web site.

The survey also found that: * 75% wanted paediatricians, beauticians, bibliophiles and JPEG files prosecuted for crimes against children or, failing that, torn apart by howling mobs; * 55% believed that the slightest suspicion of paedophiliac behaviour justified the immediate application of the death penalty; * 30% would offer to undergo execution themselves in case they developed paedophile tendencies at a later date; * 15% thought that the safest way to prevent “a wave of child abuse from overwhelming the country” was to “slay every infant in Bethlehem below the age of two”, a suggestion that was immediately adopted as policy by the Israeli government; * 10% of parents felt that they had unwittingly overstepped the boundaries by staring at their own children for single periods lasting more than ten minutes, and they should therefore “pluck out thine own eyes”; * 5% beat our researchers to death as soon as they heard the word “pae—”.