In these times of economic downturn and hardship, many companies are seeking to cut costs and eliminate waste. BB has a strategy guaranteed to trim the payroll: find the person who wrote the corporate mission statement and sack them, because they clearly don’t have any relevant purpose. And if that person turns out to be the CEO, so much the better; after all, they probably represent the largest part of the payroll.

If that doesn’t appeal, try rephrasing your mission statement or “corporate values” or “Vision” or “Strategy” or Wank Mantra or whatever the fuck fancy name with which you dress it up to disguise the gaping intellectual chasm at the top of the org chart, in plain, direct English so that all your employees understand precisely what a joke your operation is:

“We treat each other with Dignity and Respect”

…Just like we treat the deceased at a funeral - a lifeless shell with no future beyond eternity in the endless void of death.

“Our Mission: to be THE BEST”

…Biggest, fastest, widest, BESTEST in the WHOLE WORLD EVER EVER EVER! And you’re not, so ner! :-p

“We value our Customers above all”

…Even when they’re Bent Over for another Reaming because they obviously Never Learn, we will still Respect them in the morning.

“At all times, we hold Quality uppermost in everything we do”

I SHIT QUALITY. DO YOU?

“We seek always to attract and retain the Best people”

aka “If you love me, you’ll swallow” - in particular, you’ll swallow this bullsh*t.

“We do not come into the office and start blazing away at our colleagues with automatic weapons.”

Damn, why does that keep happening??

“Our Actions Today determine our Success Tomorrow”

Your Redundancy Cheque’s in the post. It’s been a helluva ride, thanks.