BB is in the Guardian today, with a short paragraph of penetrating insight on Beckham and United; actually much greater than the sum total of our football knowledge.

I begged the journalist (who wandered up while I was enjoying a break in the sun) to make up a quote because “you’re a journalist, you’ve done it before!” He didn’t laugh at that (the photographer did) but swipe me, he did make part of it up. The “control his players” bit wasn’t mine, and it renders an already vapid and incoherent viewpoint into utterly meaningless bollocks (but then, “that’s football” as we say). Add to that a photo (print edition only) that made me look like an eager chipmunk and - well, never believe what you read in the papers, that’s all I can say. My thought process in those five seconds of groping for something articulate to say was roughly along the lines of: “Lemme see, David Beckham seems like a nice lad and Ferguson is an angry twat… Err… Ferguson is to blame!”

Let’s pretend I had time to come up with something better: > Ade Rixon, an astounding yet suave genius in the IT world: “Blame is never a helpful concept when a couple’s relationship breaks down. Ferguson has got to realise that, even though he’ll never be as attractive as Victoria, David still loves him. But equally, David needs to alleviate his insecurity by paying him some attention. In the end, we have to hope they’ll stay together for the sake of Gary Neville.”

Tomorrow: Why Blair Must Go and Those Rumours About Me And Posh. Plus, David Beckham starts his new column about Enterprise Unix.