“Speed is not the major cause of accidents in this country. Dangerous driving and poor road design contribute more to death and injury. The other effect is that people are now so paranoid and fixated with cameras that they spend more time looking at the speedo than the road, and they are more likely to have accidents.” …said Brian Gregory of the Association of British Drivers, speaking about speed cameras. He added that speed cameras were a major source of CO2 emissions, caused cancer in lab rats, were sometimes used to take pornographic images of child abuse, played a leading role in the Kennedy assassination, robbed old ladies, constituted shocking phallic imagery that was offensive to women, roamed the streets in gangs vandalising parked vehicles, introduced BSE to this country, made illegal payments to MPs, spied for Al-Quaida, failed to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and that in 1999, a speed camera ran off with his wife. As spittles of foam began to run from the corners of his mouth, Mr Gregory was sedated for his own safety (but not before alleging that the injection was a form of stealth tax on his red blood cells).

The Association of British Drivers welcomes concerned motorists who often suffer from spittles of foam at the corners of their mouths. Please note any previous convictions for reckless driving on your application form, as this will help us to process your membership faster, faster, FASTER, go pussycat, go, kill, kill!!