Got a computer system? Got a problem? Take that dumbfounded look off your face and unknot that eyebrow. To accompany major reference works such as The Dummy’s Guide To The Internet, The Complete Tosswad’s E-Commerce Handbook and The Utterly Cretinous Imbecile’s Introduction To Managing IT In The Enterprise, BB brings you a ten step moron’s guide to fixing any computer problem. Sit up and stop drooling.
- Application doesn’t work.
Restart it. - Application still doesn’t work.
Restart it again and press the keys really, really hard. - Application still doesn’t work.
No, really pound those keys. - Application still doesn’t work.
Reboot the computer. - Application still doesn’t work.
Power-cycle the computer to “clean out the circuits”. - Computer doesn’t work.
Hit it with a hammer. - Computer smoking.
Pick up computer and bang vigorously against hard surface. Ensure you are well earthed. - Computer works fine but I really wanna use the hammer.
Hit your colleagues; they’re bound to be doing something stupid. - Computer worked until we installed new software.
Hit the IBM salesman with the hammer. Repeatedly. Go nuts. - Computer boring, me like hammer.
Hit yourself, aka. “apply solution to point of maximum effectiveness”.
Warning: At no point attempt to perform logical deduction or systematic diagnosis. That kind of thing probably got you in this mess and has no place in a professionally run IT organisation. These boxes have power switches for a reason, use them freely.